As you go through your day to day life you’re never fully aware of which moments will be the defining ones. Will planning a night out with friends or staying in ultimately affect your life in a more profound way than just leaving you sleep deprived, will not telling someone what’s on your mind lead you to a life of heart ache and wishing you could go back. If I could have a super power I would want just that, the ability to recognize defining moments as they are happening. If I had had this ability four and a half years ago I would be in a much better place.
I’m not the type of person to regret decisions or wish things could be different, I’m a huge believer that everything around me happens because that’s how it’s supposed to go. I’m level headed and logical, I don’t often have concerns, I know things will work out. The one thing that I always prided myself on was my ability to make a decision, until I was in my early twenties I never made a decision I regretted, even to this day there has only been one. Most people can make a few little mistakes and be fine, I on the other hand apparently make my mistakes just as I live my life, it’s 0 or 100, no in between.
My mistake wasn’t the kind I could wish away or walk away from, it wasn’t the kind I could forget about or pretend it never happened. My mistake hurt someone who I cared about but never knew how to tell, and by hurting that person my mistake absolutely destroyed me. It probably seems dramatic that saying four and half years have gone by and there isn’t a day I don’t wish I could go back, that there isn’t a day I don’t regret it, maybe it is dramatic but all I know is that even though I am happy with my life in every other way, I am profoundly in love with someone who I fear will never let himself love me again.
I’m not a depressed person, I’m not upset, I have a wonderful life and I am grateful for all that I have, my friends, my family, my accomplishments, but that doesn’t mean that my heart is whole. I’m not going to sit here and go into the details of what happened, all that matters is that I made the wrong choice in a defining moment, that I let my fear of being heartbroken drive me for too long and ended up ultimately breaking my own heart more than anyone else ever could. I was scared to love someone because I didn’t want to lose them and the tension and issues that that decision caused between us lead to my fear being realized.
The fact that I hurt someone that I cared for and do still care for is something I cannot let go. The fact that I ever caused him pain hurts me and is something I will wish my entire life that I could take back. We’re friends now and we get along just as we always have, that is something that means the world to me, but I miss us, I miss how things were, and I miss the way I used to feel when I would look into his eyes and know that he cared too.