A Complete Lack Of Regard

I told him I was still in love with him, I told him how much I still cared, I told him I would spend every day for the rest of my life showing him how much he meant to me.  He said no, he left it at that. I came to terms with it, and we were able to stay friends.  After a few months I was finally in a good place where I accepted all of it. Even though I was finally okay with it, he knew there was no question of  how profoundly in love with him I was deep down, and even knowing that and having someone else to go home to he kissed me.  He kissed me and it absolutely destroyed me.

It is my personal belief, from both my past experience being cheated on and the way I have reacted when people have made passes at me while I was in relationships, that if you actually love someone or even think you may one day love them you will not cheat.  There is a big difference between wanting  to love someone and actually being able to love them though.  Personally, I believe that we know from the start which way a relationship will go, sometimes we just choose to ignore it.  Sometimes we want so badly to love someone that we look past all of the signs that we aren’t a perfect fit, we ignore the subtle warning signs and questionable feelings of doubt because we want so badly to love this person who, other than the fact that we are incapable of loving them, are perfect.  It may be because of how they look, how much fun you have with them, how open and inviting their friend group is, or just that they make you laugh, but one of those things, or even something else, makes you feel that even though a part of you deep down knows it won’t work that maybe, just maybe it will.  Sometimes we stay in these relationships for a couple of months, sometimes we stay in them for years, we just keep hoping that the doubts will lessen and the feelings will come. Over time though that want for love to arise can turn into resentment and you can end up stuck in a mess.

That being said, if you aren’t in a relationship you don’t know what goes on in it, and even if you are in one there is a strong possibility you only know half of the truth.  We as humans lack an ability to communicate properly, sometimes we’re worried we may hurt someones feelings, sometimes we get scared or anxious and can’t say what we really mean, sometimes we’re scared that if we say something it may ruin a situation that’s not quite ideal but that nothing ever will be and then we will be stuck alone and regretting our choice.  For whatever everyones personal reason, very few people ever say exactly what they want to.  I can’t think of a single one of my friends who hasn’t told me at some point that they wished they hadn’t have waited to cut ties or that they wish they had said more, let it all out and known they had tried everything in their power to get what would make them happy.  At this point that is what I am trying to do, in my personal life I am trying to be as open and honest as I can be, I am trying to put everything on the table for everyone to see.  I never want to regret not saying something or not making a decision again, I never want to feel like I should have talked something out better.  Life is short, being happy is important, so, it’s important to take risks, it’s important to leave yourself completely exposed and vulnerable, it’s important to not care how things may go if you say what you really want and to just say it, just say it and go from there.

He may one day look back on that night and wish he had of told me how he felt, how he didn’t feel, or why he did it, I never will though because I, well, I told him.

The one thing I didn’t do was thank him though, thank him for his complete lack of regard for the feelings that he knew I had, thank him for giving me hope and toying with me afterwards, thank him for the time I spent crying trying to understand.  So thanks, thanks for destroying me, thanks for catching me off guard when I had finally picked up the pieces and accepted that you and I would only be friends, and thanks for breaking my heart over and over again.

Advertisements

Defining Moments.

As you go through your day to day life you’re never fully aware of which moments will be the defining ones.  Will planning a night out with friends or staying in ultimately affect your life in a more profound way than just leaving you sleep deprived, will not telling someone what’s on your mind lead you to a life of heart ache and wishing you could go back.  If I could have a super power I would want just that, the ability to recognize defining moments as they are happening.  If I had had this ability four and a half years ago I would be in a much better place.

I’m not the type of person to regret decisions or wish things could be different, I’m a huge believer that everything around me happens because that’s how it’s supposed to go. I’m level headed and logical, I don’t often have concerns, I know things will work out. The one thing that I always prided myself on was my ability to make a decision, until I was in my early twenties I never made a decision I regretted, even to this day there has only been one.  Most people can make a few little mistakes and be fine, I on the other hand apparently make my mistakes just as I live my life, it’s 0 or 100, no in between.

My mistake wasn’t the kind I could wish away or walk away from, it wasn’t the kind I could forget about or pretend it never happened.  My mistake hurt someone who I cared about but never knew how to tell, and by hurting that person my mistake absolutely destroyed me.  It probably seems dramatic that saying four and half years have gone by and there isn’t a day I don’t wish I could go back, that there isn’t a day I don’t regret it, maybe it is dramatic but all I know is that even though I am happy with my life in every other way, I am profoundly in love with someone who I fear will never let himself love me again.

I’m not a depressed person, I’m not upset, I have a wonderful life and I am grateful for all that I have, my friends, my family, my accomplishments, but that doesn’t mean that my heart is whole.  I’m not going to sit here and go into the details of what happened, all that matters is that I made the wrong choice in a defining moment, that I let my fear of being heartbroken drive me for too long and ended up ultimately breaking my own heart more than anyone else ever could.  I was scared to love someone because I didn’t want to lose them and the tension and issues that that decision caused between us lead to my fear being realized.

The fact that I hurt someone that I cared for and do still care for is something I cannot let go.  The fact that I ever caused him pain hurts me and is something I will wish my entire life that I could take back.  We’re friends now and we get along just as we always have, that is something that means the world to me, but I miss us, I miss how things were, and I miss the way I used to feel when I would look into his eyes and know that he cared too.